44 Random Tidbits For All Your Comedic Wants And Desires

Author image for Meeeeesh
Meeeeesh
Apr 12, 2019 10:00 AM EDT

Just imagine everything you've ever wanted or dreamed of when it comes to comedy. That's right, an arsenal of things you can whip out when you feel like having a grand old laugh, all in one place. Well, unfortunately you won't get that here, but we think you'll find at least a few of these little nuggets hilarious nonetheless!

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  • 01
    Tweet that reads, "When you push a pull door and the person behind says 'you need to pull.' Aye cheers lad, sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom"
    via johnnyteapot
  • 02
    Text that reads, "Did you know? Wrapping your leg in cabbage makes your leg smell like cabbage" with an illustration of someone wrapping a foot in cabbage leaves
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  • 03
    Tweet that reads, "We went to the planetarium today and when the voice over said 'this is the earth' one of the kids booed"
    via johnnyteapot
  • 04
    Text - you: why do I feel terrible body: coffee is not a meal body: eat a vegetable body: sleep you: guess we'll never know body: oh my god
    via johnnyteapot
  • 05
    Poster - PASTA benwarheit Things I like about this decal on a restaurant window: the insane orange waiter that he's carrying his plates in the air like a strongman the couple looks like this isn't the first time he's done this, but it's easier to just let it happen at this point. the sign says PASTA as if he's screaming it like a frankenstein but he's holding a plate of an entire chicken and a plate of wine glasses there's three wine glasses one's for him
    via johnnyteapot
  • 06
    Text - Thunder Bread @JoeyDG54 Regular back: -will hurt eventually -boring -stupid bones Backstreet's back: -alright PETTY MAYONNAISE
    via johnnyteapot
  • 07
    Text - Zilla @GoodZilla Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those 1/17/18, 10:29 AM 20.1K Retweets 70.5K Likes
    via johnnyteapot
  • 08
    Text - friend: you look stressed me: haha yeah it's the stress
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  • 09
    Text - Him: aww babe look at you, getting romantic with all of these candles Me: First of all I'm about to sacrifice you @Ritualinajar
    via johnnyteapot
  • 10
    Text - Max Dylan Ash @mynameisntdave Follow ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: "sips coffee from bowl 8:15 PM - 15 Jun 2015 13,324 21,593
    via johnnyteapot
  • 11
    Text - Alex with an ex @psybermonkey Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident Me: say no more [Later] Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet 4:13 pm 12 Feb 18 809 Retweets 2,573 Likes
    via johnnyteapot
  • 12
    Text - COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR GROUPS OF ANIMALS A Gaggle of Geese mail A Herd of Cattle AF ckload of Bees A Pile of Eagles ive An Uneasy Partnership of Coyotes hey A 101.5 "The Hammer" FM of Moths A Wad of Raccoons vind ir A Who Cares? of Voles k A Business Lunch of Meerkats A Duffel Bag of Seals A Shitstorm of Sparrows to
    via johnnyteapot
  • 13
    Property - today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again let that sink in what the f ck does it want now
    via johnnyteapot
  • 14
    Text - pyropotter: You are angry about something. "Clam down," I text you. You assume I have made a typo, but in fact I am holding a small soldier clam in my hands. He died so young. War is hell Source: pyropotter
    via johnnyteapot
  • 15
    Text - Alive but logged off @InternetHipp0 BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says "2 Days Without Being Annoyed" [maintaining eye contact, I change it to O]
    via johnnyteapot
  • 16
    Text - Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans Me: uh oh someone's under the mistletoe! Raccoon I've cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily] 12/15/17, 3:19 PM 15.2K Retweets 50.7K Likes
    via johnnyteapot
  • 17
    Cartoon - Child: When I grow up, I Anti-Vaccine Mom: SLOW DOWN THERE BUCKAROO
    via johnnyteapot
  • 18
    Text - Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas? "pizza" "sushi" ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants? i stare at jeff for his reaction] 07/03/2015, 9:28 p.m.
    via johnnyteapot
  • 19
    Product - OMG these things are so useless 消防栓 HYDRANT Italy as an ally
    via johnnyteapot
  • 20
    Text - M@thew @TweetPotato314 mugger: *points gun* your money or your life me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn't actually understand the matrix mugger: no i mean- me: *already running away* your late for steph's recital
    via johnnyteapot
  • 21
    Mammal - Cerberus as a puppy, guarding the gates to heck.
    via johnnyteapot
  • 22
    Text - andrew @AndrewChamings wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
    via johnnyteapot
  • 23
    Text - tommy bayer @TommmyBear invention of fish net stockings] fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net! fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little.. hot? fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
    via johnnyteapot
  • 24
    Text - misterqueasy i can't stand it when people complain about how expensive printer ink is, like it's "capitalism's fault"". do you have any idea how hard it is to milk a squid 229.598 Anmerkungen
    via johnnyteapot
  • 25
    Text - Dee @figgled It's kinda f cked that musicians eat sandwiches by placing them inside trombones and honking them into each other's mouths 18/4/17, 12:32 pm skirtsuit-angel this is an example of defamiliarization, where something totally normal, conventional, and ordinary - like honkwiching -is taken and described as something that sounds weird and foreign Source: memewhore
    via johnnyteapot
  • 26
    Text - Me: I don't have the energy for this. Someone: For what? Me: *gestures vaguely*
    via johnnyteapot
  • 27
    Text - Matt Jones @tinyarmoredone me: *opens mouth to scream into the void* the void: sorry man we're full up me: what? the void: there's no more room. we're teeming with screams me: but- the void: we at capacity sir. are try a pillow. 11:57 AM - Jun 20, 2018 36.3K people are talking about... 149K
    via johnnyteapot
  • 28
    Text - Julie Alexis Muncy @juliemuncy23 every x-men movie: wolverine: gonna fight magneto everyone: dude your bones are literally made of metal wolverine: gonnaf ck him up -later- wolverine: AHH MY BONES
    via johnnyteapot
  • 29
    Text - Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin cop: have you been drinking me: no cop: can you blow into this me: is... that soup? cop: it's too hot
    via johnnyteapot
  • 30
    Animated cartoon - SMOKEY PREVEC FIREST FIRES WATCH ME EAT THIS FAMILY
    via johnnyteapot
  • 31
    Text - dan mentos @DanMentos doctor: what brings you here today me: my car haha doctor: (writing in chart) "not sexually active"
    via johnnyteapot
  • 32
    Bird
    via johnnyteapot
  • 33
    Text - YAHOO! ANSWERS the daisy powerline 856 good for squirrels? 2 answers Hunting No, it is too long to hide in their nest and the trigger is too far forward for their paws to be able to hold and fire at the same time. Most of the squirrels in my hood just carry a small handgun, like a Glock 26 or 27 Hope this helps.
    via johnnyteapot
  • 34
    Text - Kellen @captainkalvis me: hi l'd like to buy a magic bullet bed bath and beyond employee: ooh making some smoothies huh? me: no [clenching fist] I want to kill a wizard employee: [eyes going black] föllow me 2:52 PM 2/2/19 Twitter for Android
    via johnnyteapot
  • 35
    Product - It's exactly what I was afraid of. What? Skeletons.
    via johnnyteapot
  • 36
    Text - 8:43 Tweet Omar Najam @OmarNajam was SO cute today, he My son asked me "dad are clouds candy?" I told him they were water. Then he asked "dad, what's Earth's defense system?" and then I remembered I don't have son and he asked again his eyes obsidian black "what is the defense system father" 4:49 PM 28 Nov 17 51.8K Retweets 158K Likes Vdrian@fera022 29 Nov 17 Replying to @OmarNajam and Tweet your reply
    via johnnyteapot
  • 37
    Text - Justin Staggs @Staggfilms POLICE: why'd you kill him? ME: he was making an "aahhh" sound after every sip of coffee and holding his cup close to his face with 2 hands POLICE: ok just try not to do any more murders
    via johnnyteapot
  • 38
    Animated cartoon - When someone tells me to do something I was already planning on doing well now I am not doing it
    via johnnyteapot
  • 39
    Text - Plague Of Gripes Folgen @PlagueOfGripes An apparition appears in your room, alongside a more successful looking doppelganger of yourself. Apparition: " - and THIS is what you would be!" Doppelganger: "Oh my god! Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I've learned my lesson!" (both vanish) You: Hey what the f ck Tweet übersetzen
    via johnnyteapot
  • 40
    Text - GoaT FacE @EndhooS May 20, 2014 *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen" t 37.7K 66.3K 270
    via johnnyteapot
  • 41
    Text - vinth @vints *does laundry and makes bed* Oh sorry what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me getting my life together
    via johnnyteapot
  • 42
    Text - rav @Doughbvy me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier sperm bank employee: what glass of milk me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk sperm bank employee: oh my god me: what sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
    via johnnyteapot
  • 43
    Text - Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life The elites don't want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
    via johnnyteapot
  • 44
    Text - Matty Groves @Reverend_Banjo It's actually only "Frankenstein" if it's created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it's a sparkling monster. 13:38 14 Dec. 18 Twitter for iPhone 968 Retweets 3,336 Likes
    via johnnyteapot

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